simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
You Might Also Like
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Good morning!
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.