There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.