I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
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Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
That’s classic.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Ironic
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now: