I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
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Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.