Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
mom gave me mine for free
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]