Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.