It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
You Might Also Like
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
unbelievably distressed by this ad
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering