I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
You Might Also Like
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Why soy sad?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[eats all your cotton candy]
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.