When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
You Might Also Like
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!