WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?