Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Damn what did I do next
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything