You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?