Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”