Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
You Might Also Like
Spa day..😅
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Got ya covered
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”