There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
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Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.