genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
How can I say no to this ?
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?