Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
😍😂🥰😂😍
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver