Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
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My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Stop it! 😂
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache