I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
beware of dog
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.