escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
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i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
why would tinder want me to say this
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty