Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
you stereotypes are all alike