[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.