[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
she has a point
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”