Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.