GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap