If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.