Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..