I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Dear Lord..
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Ah yes. The three genders
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.