If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.