When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
(Electricians.)
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces