broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
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My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Oh my god
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
adding to the discourse
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
the Monday after daylight savings
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”