Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
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My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell