Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*frowns in Scottish*
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I am yelling
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.