Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
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My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
ready to be harvested
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.