Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
any last words?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
The Backseat Boys
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder