When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Childbirth is so beautiful
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea