My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea