Based Erika
You Might Also Like
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?