Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying