No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal