Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
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“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”