[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
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her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.