no!! no!!!!!!
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
that colleague who touches your screen
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
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