I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I never needed anything more in my life
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.