My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.