before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.