Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.