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I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
That’s it.I’m out.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos