“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate