I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.